Thursday, April 14, 2011

Laughter and Finding Harmony

I've been awake for an hour now, listening to our beautiful, precious and unassuming daughter laugh in her bed. She does this quite frequently, you know! It's pretty great, sometimes sad, weird, completely nuts, but I can't help but wonder sometimes, what I should be learning from her. This is a little girl who only knows how to be herself! She knows nothing of the demands of life. She's free to experience life the way she sees it, and she does this passionately! She and the Savior are kindred spirits! I am quite sure she was one of His closest friends in heaven! I am quite sure she still is! In all the ways, that the world distracts us and busies us away from Him, she is not affected by those things! It's amazing and remarkable to me! In all of my imperfectness (is that a word???), or imperfection (there, that's better), somehow I get to be a mother to some of the most precious spirits ever created! It's overwhelming and daunting, to wonder if I am doing a good job! I guess I am just still trying to find me. Me...meaning the wife and mother I was called to be here. Me...meaning the daughter of God I was called to be here. Me...meaning having the balance in life, that is most harmonious. I think I am just trying to find harmony! Meanwhile, there is a darling little girl in the other room, who has it every day of her life! Maybe some if it will rub off on me! :0)

How I wish that we lived closer to nature! I'm talking, real, quiet, peaceful nature! I wish it was in our backyard...uninterrupted and beautiful! I crave that for our family right now! I'd seriously like to move away into a cabin somewhere and just let the children learn from the beauty Heavenly Father has created. I guess I've been feeling like we are too boxed in lately! That would explain the spur-of-the-moment drive we took yesterday...just going nowhere, and the spontaneous field trip to a museum, we took a couple days ago. Things have felt very "boxy" lately. Don't know why..just have. Maybe we need a family camping trip! Maybe we need more spontaneous delight around here! Each day, the children wake up and we start the grind all over again! I have felt it important to teach them how to work, and so we get up and do chores. But that's really starting to feel like a chore! LOL :0) I can't blame them for "off" behavior, when life is kinda' boring lately! (Maybe the correct word there, is "uninspired.")

I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of what my own education should look like. I can't seem to find a steady course, to follow. I've felt like I should be studying the gospel right now, but in a way, I feel as though I don't know where to start or even how to do it. Is that weird? Probably. Even with work and schooling, Mr. Man can pick up a great classic novel and read and enjoy it. It has been a long time, since I could do that. Too many distractions, I guess. Too many phone calls and emails and appointments and chores and tasks to do. Too much that is constantly on my mind. This is why I wish the world would just go away, sometimes. I feel as though we have enough "distractions" around here, just from health issues and special needs alone. These are all things I am happy to do, but when you add everything else from the outside, it's nuts sometimes. In short...we are kinda' feeling like we are stuck in a rut. Or maybe it's just me who feels that way. My spirit longs to learn something amazing, soul stirring, thought provoking. (Mom's Retreat is this weekend, and couldn't come at a better time.)

I seriously think I need to do some real pondering about what we need in our family right now, and what we can let go of. I was telling my husband last night, that I am finding it hard to cast any burdens on the Lord, because I don't know how. I don't know how to "Let go and let God." I guess I need more faith, to know that things aren't going to fall apart, if they change a bit. Why do I always feel like something needs to change? It seems that change happens enough around here, without me throwing it into the mix. Something is in disharmony. Maybe I am trying to get my family to fit into a "box" that's not right for us. We are a special needs family, after all...and maybe I just need to throw that box out the window. But...when I do that, chaos ensues. How do I find or create order, without putting us into a box??? Hmmm..... I need to walk! I need to pray! I need to talk to Him...out loud...and just figure it out. So...if any of you happen to be driving by, and you see a crazy lady talking to herself, pushing a 2 seat stroller, with 3 kiddo's walking next to it...just keep driving. I am on a mission to find harmony, and maybe unfortunately for my kiddo's, they are coming with me. Feel free to laugh at me...hopefully, I can figure out how to laugh at myself again, soon! When I find harmony, I'll let you know! :0)

3 comments:

  1. You are doing a great job and if you feel there needs to be a change, then you need to go for it. I have not done it before and I, and my family, have paid the price. I have definitely learned over the past few years that you must do what you feel is best because if you let yourself think too much, you will not do things the way they have to be done.

    I'm not perfect, obviously, but I have been learning how to follow promptings again. It went away for a while when I followed one that turned out to be horrible. You know what's best and you do it with the companionship of the spirit.

    That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

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  2. I can so relate to many things in this post! I just want to let you know that I think you are doing an AMAZING job with your kiddos! You inspire me!

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