WARNING: At the risk of sounding totally pathetic and ungrateful for the wonderful family, wonderful friends and wonderful goodness in my life, this post comes from the need to vent every now and then. Sometimes ya' just have to let some things off of your chest...so here goes!
I have decided this past few weeks, that my life is hard! (I know...oh BOO HOO!) Many people in my life have told me that I CHOSE for my life to be hard, by doing foster care, adopting children (some of whom have special needs), home schooling, etc. I have adamantly disagreed with that statement. Life is just hard. It is supposed to be this way...for each and every one of us! We are meant to learn hard lessons and go through the Refiner's Fire, to become who we are meant to be. I am of the opinion that I could have made completely different choices in my life, and it still would have been hard. I can honestly say, that my attitude toward adversity in my life, has usually been "What can I learn from this trial, so that it will not have been in vain?", or "Love conquers all!" But lately, I haven't had such a great attitude. I have been feeling sorry for myself and my circumstances, and I have all but stopped trying to find the joy in life. It hasn't been fun! It has been downright miserable and discouraging some days. Frankly, I am just plain tired! And I find that there are a lot of questions going through my mind, at any given moment. For example:
Why do I feel like life is always getting away from me?
Why can't Sundays be easier for our family?
Why the need for constant tweaking of family systems?
Why can't life slow down for 2 seconds?
Why does life have to be so hard for some of my kiddo's?
Why do I always feel inadequate as a wife and mother?
Why am I so focused on the negative things, lately? Ugh!
Why do I wake up some days and think "Wait a minute, Huh?, What?"
Am I the only one who feels this way?
You get the picture. Why, when I try so hard, to be cheerful and happy about the day to day things, do I still get so discouraged? Have any of you ever felt so unqualified for life, sometimes? Cuz, I gotta' tell ya', that I have asked the Lord a time or two, if He is really, truly sure that I am the right woman for the job! I know He answers prayers, but sometimes life gets too crazy to hear all the answers! It's very frustrating! I guess my cup is just running on empty. And it is SO hard to think that there might be another person in this world who understands! I think, for our family, that life is kind of like one big trial! You don't get a break from the chronic health issues of a child. You don't get a break from doctors appointments and therapies and medicines and treatments. The "Every Day Grind" repeats itself again the next day. It gets hard to keep going! Thank heaven for a wonderful husband who keeps my fridge stocked with a never ending supply of dark chocolate, or I just might go crazy! :D In fact, I am pretty sure I have been to "Crazy" a few times. It's just not as fun when you go there by yourself. Anyone wanna' come with me, next time? :0)