Sunday, July 18, 2010

Wait a minute...Huh?...What???

WARNING: At the risk of sounding totally pathetic and ungrateful for the wonderful family, wonderful friends and wonderful goodness in my life, this post comes from the need to vent every now and then. Sometimes ya' just have to let some things off of your here goes!

I have decided this past few weeks, that my life is hard! (I know...oh BOO HOO!) Many people in my life have told me that I CHOSE for my life to be hard, by doing foster care, adopting children (some of whom have special needs), home schooling, etc. I have adamantly disagreed with that statement. Life is just hard. It is supposed to be this way...for each and every one of us! We are meant to learn hard lessons and go through the Refiner's Fire, to become who we are meant to be. I am of the opinion that I could have made completely different choices in my life, and it still would have been hard. I can honestly say, that my attitude toward adversity in my life, has usually been "What can I learn from this trial, so that it will not have been in vain?", or "Love conquers all!" But lately, I haven't had such a great attitude. I have been feeling sorry for myself and my circumstances, and I have all but stopped trying to find the joy in life. It hasn't been fun! It has been downright miserable and discouraging some days. Frankly, I am just plain tired! And I find that there are a lot of questions going through my mind, at any given moment. For example:

Why do I feel like life is always getting away from me?
Why can't Sundays be easier for our family?
Why the need for constant tweaking of family systems?
Why can't life slow down for 2 seconds?
Why does life have to be so hard for some of my kiddo's?
Why do I always feel inadequate as a wife and mother?
Why am I so focused on the negative things, lately? Ugh!
Why do I wake up some days and think "Wait a minute, Huh?, What?"
Am I the only one who feels this way?

You get the picture. Why, when I try so hard, to be cheerful and happy about the day to day things, do I still get so discouraged? Have any of you ever felt so unqualified for life, sometimes? Cuz, I gotta' tell ya', that I have asked the Lord a time or two, if He is really, truly sure that I am the right woman for the job! I know He answers prayers, but sometimes life gets too crazy to hear all the answers! It's very frustrating! I guess my cup is just running on empty. And it is SO hard to think that there might be another person in this world who understands! I think, for our family, that life is kind of like one big trial! You don't get a break from the chronic health issues of a child. You don't get a break from doctors appointments and therapies and medicines and treatments. The "Every Day Grind" repeats itself again the next day. It gets hard to keep going! Thank heaven for a wonderful husband who keeps my fridge stocked with a never ending supply of dark chocolate, or I just might go crazy! :D In fact, I am pretty sure I have been to "Crazy" a few times. It's just not as fun when you go there by yourself. Anyone wanna' come with me, next time? :0)


  1. Ranee,

    Please vent as often as you want. It makes me feel better about my venting. Ü I empathise with you and understand what you are saying. I feel like this quite often. It is nice to know that other people feel this way too. We need to hang out - lets do lunch or dinner sometime!! Ü

  2. Ranee,
    Thanks so much for your kinds words on my blog post. I am so glad that I was able to help you a little bit. I wasn't going to write that post and then felt that maybe I should, now I'm glad I did!

    Don't forget that while is hard and will be hard that Christ is there helping you along the way. I always forget that in my Boo Hoo moments.

    I wrote this post: a while back. It may be helpful right now also.

    I hope things turn up for you soon.


  3. Sometimes it's okay to pause and consider your own "heart condition"!! Taking time to be accountable is sometimes the most uncomfortable place to be, and yet the place where change can occur. Remember, that God is good ALL the time!! I do not believe that He is the source of trial, or hardship, but rather the source of love and joy! We experience hard things because we live in a fallen world where agency abounds. Continue to trust God to Never Leave You OR Forsake You, and to fully understand the feelings exhaustion! Even the Savior cried out for the cup to be removed, and then declared, "Not my will, but thine"! He knows the pain of walking through Hard Times - thank God He also understood the joy of the journey!! May you continue to be encouraged in each moment as you choose "Not My Will But Thine"!! I know that God provides "Peace Among the Pieces" and trust Him to renew and rejuvenate your heart!!

    I LOVE your honesty and vulnerability!! You are an AMAZING woman, destined for greatness!!

  4. Ranee - you are one of the most positive people I know, so an occasional pity party is good for you! We all need to feel the downs so that we can be happy when things go well. It is kind of the "opposition in all things" talk.

    I hear you about the constant health problems. Seeing our children suffer is THE HARDEST thing in the world for me. I can handle financial stresses much easier than watching my child suffer and not know why or how I can help. I've cried beside a sleeping child many times as I check on them a hundred times a night.

    Know that you are capable and Heavenly Father loves and cherishes you for the love and cherishing you show these children. It takes a very special person to do what you do.

  5. I had one of those days on Saturday - and my "hardships" are not nearly as difficult as yours! I was just sick of making meals all day. I thought I had a spare moment to maybe practice piano - and then I realized it was time to make yet another meal! Then I wondered if I could pick up a book - and realized I had to start preparing a meal again. Sometimes the daily grind can get to you. I hope you're feeling better today!

    I wanted to let you know that I gave you a blogger award. I love your real and compassionate posts! Thanks so much!

  6. I read once that having a good cry is literally a purge to your entire system. Good thing, because every so often I have to stop and cry it all out, too! And then go on as before- with a little more peace and resolve than the time before...

    You are definitely not alone with your feelings! I have felt them in my own way and with my own circumstances many times along the way. Motherhood is truly a refiner's fire, if we let it be.